# Addiction to Gambling Series #3

Born in '97, works in public institution, wanted to showcase investment acumen in the market, lost 5 years of savings in 5 months, futures price fluctuations controlled my every emotion

I'm a public institution employee born in '97 and have never experienced gambling in the traditional sense. It's mostly been stocks, digital collections, and cryptocurrencies—though I suppose that could also be called gambling. Over the years, I've lost over 300,000 yuan across these investments, with principal losses exceeding 200,000 yuan. I'm very confused now.

Last November I liquidated over 10,000 USD in a blown-out position, so I forced myself to save money and stayed calm for over a month without touching futures. I've been slowly accumulating to recover. After Chinese New Year this year, I started with small futures positions, losing a couple thousand yuan. In February, I steadily capitalized on market movements and made nearly 10,000 yuan. During this process, I actually felt something was off. Initially, making a few hundred yuan a day satisfied me, but later I needed to make thousands daily to feel anything. My position sizes grew larger and I stopped setting stop losses. Finally, over the past two days when faced with one-sided market movements, I lost everything I'd gained plus an additional 15,000 yuan in losses.

Since my futures account was blown out again with over 2,000 USDT, these past three days I've been oscillating between a state of paralysis and overconfidence. Sometimes I feel like my life is over and I'm just a complete failure, other times I think if such a small amount of money can destroy me, I must be incredibly weak. I keep flip-flopping between these two mindsets. Overall, I haven't truly recovered from this failure yet.

Over these three days, I've listened to many gambling addict case studies, and the more I hear, the more horrified I become. Although I'm not technically doing online gambling, the distinction between what I'm doing and gambling is minimal—the nature is identical. Taking a few thousand USDT in capital and opening positions worth tens of thousands USDT? That's suicide.

Compared to those gamblers, I can only be considered a relatively rational gambling dog. I haven't borrowed money or taken out online loans; I'm gambling with my own assets and haven't reached the crazy stage yet.

However, over these past two days, I occasionally still entertain the idea of restarting futures trading, thinking I could follow my previous pattern—small positions, make fifty USDT daily and exit. It accumulates; if I only make 20 USDT daily, that's 4,200 yuan in a month. Isn't that ridiculous? Isn't this exactly the "heaven-mending plan" that gambling addicts dream of? Who can guarantee fixed daily profits? And if I lose? What then? It's really laughable.

I'm quite pained now. I know I shouldn't be trading, yet I don't understand why I do it. I have no debt, no high material desires. Perhaps I just wanted to prove myself, didn't want to accumulate wealth solely through my salary, and feared my family asking how much I've saved, unable to answer them.

At the time, I thought investment markets could demonstrate my insight and provide income beyond my salary. But the reality check shows that although I made money during the process, I ultimately lost it all. I'm just stubborn, unwilling to admit defeat. Each time I think if I can just control myself this time, I can make it. But after getting some results, I abandon my plan and principles, my gambling urge kicks in, I increase position sizes without stop losses, and I become addicted to that feeling of snatching victory from the jaws of defeat. That's human nature, I suppose.

I'm the type who becomes very timid and bets very small amounts if I keep losing, but once I get results, I get high and my gambling urge surges. I'm genuinely afraid to touch it now; it's too terrifying. I'm standing on a cliff edge right now; one more step and it's an abyss of ten thousand meters.

Looking back at these five months of futures trading, what I've lost isn't just money—I've lost a normal life. Futures price movements controlled my emotions. I'd wake up in the middle of the night startled, checking my phone to see if my positions had executed. This is too terrifying. How did I become like this?

Yesterday's troubles are like yesterday's death; today's troubles are like today's birth. Now I realize I was just insatiable, always thinking of winning a bit more, but when losing, I'd grit my teeth through it. Once I got carried away, all discipline and stop losses disappeared—only desperate fighting remained. I kept trading and trading until I couldn't bear it anymore.

These days, my favorite activity is sleeping. In my dreams I have so much. Last night I dreamed of meeting a girl who dances, we had feelings for each other, but ultimately got separated in the sea of people. Sigh, this is probably my escape from reality and a tiny bit of hope for the future.

Let me plan my future here. Currently it hasn't greatly impacted my life; I still have some savings and stable salary income—not at rock bottom yet. Yesterday I researched old photo restoration services and got Google's AI model working. The current problem is customer acquisition. I posted on idle platforms, short video apps, fast platforms—no traction anywhere, and the short video app has only 1 view, which is laughable. But this isn't urgent; it's just an attempt. I'll take it slow. If it doesn't work, I'll try street vending on weekends and see if there's any effect.

Writing to this point, my greatest guilt is toward myself, secondly toward my family—specifically my parents. I have stable work and a comfortable family, yet I'm ungrateful, constantly tinkering, now leaving everything in chaos. Fortunately I have no debt and haven't used family money; I'm bearing everything myself. But what have I really lost in these five months beyond money? I've lost emotional stability, nights of sleep. Futures price movements dictated my life. The biggest issue now is my sense of helplessness when parents ask how much I've saved. But I must bear the consequences of my own mistakes. So be it. I'll come clean to them eventually. I just hope time gives me more space to save more money and have more confidence facing their questions.

My savings goal for this year is 50,000 yuan. I've reached 30,000 yuan by June. Every time I think how two days of mistakes require three or even four months to bear, I feel somewhat broken. But it's done, the deed is done. I can only try my best to face it!